George Johnston

[Dear Recruiter] Do you have any disabilities?

2012-03-29T11:56:50-04:00:00

Recruiter letter for a technical position:

...

Do you have any disabilities that prevent you from successfully performing the essential functions of this job with or without accommodations?

...

My response:

Robin --

The only qualification I can see as a hiderence to my ability to perform is my lack of fingers. I find that if I mash the keyboard enough with my stubs, I eventually can get the code to compile correctly. Will this be a problem?

Thank you,
George

Her response:

[None]

So much for being an equal opportunity employer, eh?

[Dear Recruiter] I developed in Mo'Fusion

2012-03-29T11:51:12-04:00:00

Forward:

Sometimes I really feel like technology recruiters have no experience or knowledge of the field they are recruting for. A warning to those companies hiring technical recruiters -- ensure that the technical recruiters you hire to fill a position are actually technical. Here's proof below, where I make up completely ridiculous technologies, but still have interest from the recruiter for an interview.

Letter to me:

Hello - Your name came up as a possible match for a long term contract Cold Fusion Developer role I have in Bothell, WA.

This role requires you to be onsite in Bothell, WA. This is a tough role to fill so I was hoping you might have someone you can recommend? Unfortunately no telecommute. Thank you!

Sincerly,

Mindy Recruiter

My response:

Mindy --

Wow I'm super-excited that you took the time to contact me about this position! Let me tell you, you won't be disappointed with my skill set!

Firstly, I've been developing in ColdFusion since 1993 before it was owned by Adobe and it was operating under code name, "Hot-Jack". Recently I started developing under the Domain-View-Driven-Domain-Model (DVDDM), integrating client-side CF on Moobuntu. Not only do I have a boat load of ColdFusion EXP, I also have a ton of experience in the open source communities lesser known derivative of CF, Mo'Fusion (MF). I've also invested thousands of hours of my time learning esoteric programming languages.

Look forward to working with you!

George

And her response:

Hi George – just left you a message. Give me a call at your convenience. The role does require someone to be onsite here.. are you able to relocate yourself?

Mindy

[Sigh]

[Dear Recruiter] I'm an engineer trapped in a kittens body.

2012-03-29T11:47:30-04:00:00

Aditya --

I am very interested in pursuing the opportunity you've presented to me. Let me assure you, there are very few individuals in Indianapolis with the skill set which I have so passionately trained to acquire. Accompanying my skill set I do have a few quirks that you'll need to be okay with prior to placing me at a company.

Bluntly, I feel like I'm a software engineer trapped in a cute little kitten's body. I find that I am most comfortable going to work with a few stripes and whiskers painted on my face. Coworkers will need to be okay with me grooming myself and making kitten noises whilst I do so. I do occasionally let out a purr now and then, but not loud enough to disrupt anyone. I always throw my arm-hair-balls in the appropriate trash receptacle.

Will your company provide a scratching post or will I need to bring my own? I can bring my own litter box.

Meow-muh,
George