Well I willed that away alright .. a very nice sinus attack that I was hoping wouldn't turn into pneumonia this time. A couple of days in bed and I'm up again, sort of. As always, life gives you these many signs and as usual I tend to ignore them until I hit rock bottom. These subtle signs just don't do it for me, I really need a sledge hammer. Mind you, it had better be a pretty big sledgehammer, if you add up all the things that have gone wrong it shows how blind I can be. These couple of days have given me lots of time to really think and I suppose I first have to say I know I have not been a bundle of joy lately. I love Nepal and the people are wonderful, but on a personal level I have not been coping at all. I can't focus on the work I am meant to be doing, which starts off guilt trips, I am finding it hard to make friends and I just keep falling into the blues. I've been sick twice now, but when I think about it this has been going on even before I got here. The pneumonia was a big enough sign and you know that if it was you I would no doubt freely dish out lots of lovely advice, so I suppose I better take a good look at myself, listen to my own advice and take some time out. Metaphysically its all about not allowing emotional healing and its time I did just that.
When I honestly sit down and look at it, I have made so many major life changes/decisions in a relatively short period, without any adjustment time and I have well and truly lost my centre and my grounding. Its hard to describe, but I just sort of feel 'blank'. I'm very good at pretending things are OK, I have fooled myself and others for a long time and old habits die hard. Its time to stop pretending and say things are not OK and I can't do everything. I am going to defer my voluntary work and organise to take at least a month (or however long it takes ) off in the mountains and hopefully let that 'mountain magic' do its work. I'm organising a recommendation of some good guides and I'm just going to amble along, soak up the atmosphere and not worry about anything. The agenda is peacefulness, recupuration, restoration and rejuvenation. I need to find my centre and work out where that is for me now. Put some things back into perspective and let go of others. No computer, a light load and just take things as they come. I will also spend some time in Pokhara, there are lots of alternative healing centres there, so add in some massages, reiki and whatever else takes my fancy and if all goes well a new and improved version will emerge from this time.
Thank you so much for putting up with me and your messages of support and encouragement have helped so much along the way. As always, I will keep you posted of the 'plans' as they get sorted.