It’s dead dark outside, murky shadows lurking everywhere, just like my insides. I close my eyes to get away from it all but I feel pain, sheer pain and bitterness surrounded within me. With a jerk I open my eyes, only to be stared at by the stark white floor, the gawking white walls, standing proud and erect seeming to throw back at me everything that I say to them. An agonizingly empty room precisely representing my intimate identity, my actual being that has never been exposed to anyone but me. They all lack substance like so many other things that we encounter everyday in life.
I take a deep breath, try to compose myself, maybe this is just a hallucination but in a state of limbo I realize it is all for real. The fears, the doubts, qualms, the uncertainties are all so real. It makes me shiver for a split second. Something seems to be missing from my life. It is an abysmal feeling of a huge void deep inside. I’m missing, I think I lost my self a way back somewhere during the time I was trying to become a better suited person for my sake and a few other dear and not-so-dear ones, trying to become someone that I am not, never was and now that I realize never could be.
Sitting cross-legged here in front of my old pc, in a far corner of this vacant room, I can feel the floor underneath ogling at me. It feels as if the floor itself is draining away the very energy I need to process my thoughts, to feel alive. My back has almost lost any consciousness, just as the rest of me have become numb. My head throbs with a faint ache and I realize again that I need to filter out thoughts and ideas from my sub consciousness.
I need to go out, need to feel the warmth of the sun, gradually thaw its way through my frozen self, which seems to have completely overtaken me lately. I need to feel the wind blow against my face and tingle my nerves back to life again and to feel my hair fly away promising in the least, a hint of life and vitality. Thinking of the bright day, I sense this is the only beautiful inviting feature that can bring back the positivity and optimism back in me. It makes me feel alive, even if just for a while.
There are incidents in life best if forgotten. There are things in life best if not possessed. There are emotions in life best if neglected. There are people in life best if stayed far from. I tried my best to forget everything bad that happened but conveniently, always remembered who did it, hardly ever forgave anyone unless I forgot and that rarely ever happened. Was always ready to take revenge! Did all that I felt like doing but certainly, to an extent. I tried though to possess everything that fascinated me but shied away when it came near. There always was a limit, a boundary, a shell that I had always wrapped so tightly around my self. I have been with all those people who I thought were worth it. If something or someone ever disappointed me once, I gave it another chance, if again I’d throw it away. Never believed in holding back or holding on. Never could even imagine my emotions to ever take over me. I probably sound pretty selfish and maybe I actually am but then again who isn’t, may be that’s how I always was….
There is a continuous change in me, an unremitting revolution, in my hard-rock self, that has been going on for quite some time now. Change that I have grown to detest all the more. The walls around me are breaking; I’m more prone to the outside world now. Though still a true cynic at heart, I have started to believe, to believe that no matter what happens, if I hold on to the good things and hold back my innate and obviously skeptical feelings about them, everything would go right. I hope I’m not proved wrong cos I’m vulnerable now, but then on a second thought, I guess I’m not. I have learnt the facts… and I have learnt to move on!
Life should ideally be categorized into black and white. It never can be. The grays are always predominant. Even though it gives life its own adventure and excitement, which one could never taste otherwise, I never know how to deal with the grays. Do I use my brain? Do I use my feelings? Or do I just let things be and see where it takes me? I usually follow the last may be coz I am too fearful to take a stand. Though I know in the end it all simmers down to the ‘right and wrong’, I wish it were actually that simple.