Thursday, October 01, 2009 4:18 PM
I woke up crying this morning. It’s the pain again, the very same pain I’ve tried running from, hiding away, or simply ignore. I don’t know what he looks like now, just only memories of when he was three, my son. Thoughts of giving up clouds my days, this morning too. I’d like to share ideas with him, teach him the glories of life, starting with fishing. I don’t drink this off or get high to ease the pain, I hold on and try to get through, I am his father, I have to be strong for him. But I can’t ignore it or it’ll drive me mad, go insane, create more pain. No one knows what fathers go through, what they do, how they feel, being without their kids. It’s no different than the mothers, the one everyone compassions for, the laws. I don’t make enough money to help support him and I don’t pay child support yet. I just want the same as a lot of other people, equal custody, and nothing more. I don’t want to keep him just for myself, he needs his mother’s love too. I just want some time with him.
I love my son so much, I want to tell him so he knows I’ve not given up on him. That I’ve not abandon him, that I’m there trying, and trying, everyday. I just hope that those days I get to be with him, the ones I’ve been dreaming about, come sooner…