Humor

When I kicked!

Ram Shankar Yadav — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 21:54:05 GMT

He he .......here goes my first video on youtube!

I don't know how it all happened, but in the end..........I enjoyed it(after consoling that guy ;)

Dhan dhan Goal!

I'm lovin' it!

When a dead terrorist speaks!

Ram Shankar Yadav — Mon, 07 Jan 2008 17:25:05 GMT

A friend of mine shared this video an I'm sharing it with you guys, indeed it damm hilarious!

Enjoy!

I'll ........kiilll u ;)

Intercast / Inter-religion Marrige - How to make it happen in India ;)

Ram Shankar Yadav — Tue, 27 Nov 2007 08:29:22 GMT

Hey guys! Just got some giggling stuff for you guys........checkout!

Grandmother was pretending to be lost in prayer, but her prayer-beads
were spinning at top speed. That meant she was either excited or upset.
Mother put the receiver down. "Some American girl in his office, she's
coming to stay with us for a week." She sounded as if she had a deep
foreboding.

Father had no such doubt. He knew the worst was to come.
He had been matching horoscopes for a year, but my brother Vivek had
found a million excuses for not being able to visit India , call any of the
chosen Iyer girls, or in any other way advance father's cause.
Father always wore four parallel lines of sacred ash on his forehead.
Now there were eight, so deep were the furrows of worry on his forehead. I sat
in a corner, supposedly lost in a book, but furiously text-messaging my
brother with a vivid description of the scene before me.

A few days later I stood outside the airport with father. He tried
not to look directly at any American woman going past, and held up the card
reading "Barbara". Finally a large woman stepped out, waved wildly and
shouted "Hiiii! Mr. Aayyyezh, how ARE you?" Everyone turned and
looked at us. Father shrank visibly before my eyes. Barbara took three long
steps and covered father in a tight embrace. Father's jiggling out of it was
too funny to watch. I could hear him whispering "Shiva Shiva!". She
shouted "you must be Vijaantee?" "Yes, Vyjayanthi" I said with a smile. I
imagined little half-Indian children calling me "Vijaantee aunty!". Suddenly,
my colorless existence in Madurai had perked up. For at least the next
one week, life promised to be quite exciting.

Soon we were eating lunch at home. Barbara had changed into an even shorter
skirt. The low neckline of her blouse was just in line with father's eyes.
He was glaring at mother as if she had conjured up Barbara just to torture
him. Barbara was asking "You only have vegetarian food? Always??" as if
the idea was shocking to her. "You know what really goes well with Indian food,
especially chicken? Indian beer!" she said with a pleasant smile, seemingly
oblivious to the apoplexy of the gentleman in front of her, or the choking
sounds coming from mother. I had to quickly duck under the table to hide
my giggles.Everyone tried to get the facts without asking the one question on
all our minds: What was the exact nature of the relationship between Vivek
and Barbara?

She brought out a laptop computer. "I have some pictures of Vivek" she
said. All of us crowded around her. The first picture was quite innocuous.
Vivek was wearing shorts and standing alone on the beach. In the next
photo, he had Barbara draped all over him. She was wearing a skimpy bikini
and leaning across, with her hand lovingly circling his neck. Father got
up, and flicked the towel off his shoulder. It was a gesture we in the
family had learned to fear. He literally ran to the door and went out.
Barbara said "It must be hard for Mr. Aayyezh.
He must be missing his son." We didn't have the heart to tell her that if
said son had been within reach, father would have lovingly wrung his
neck.

My parents and grandmother apparently had reached an unspoken agreement.
They would deal with Vivek later. Right now Barbara was a foreigner, a
lone woman, and needed to be treated as an honored guest. It must be said
that Barbara didn't make that one bit easy. Soon mother wore a perpetual
frown.

Father looked as though he could use some of that famous Indian beer.
Vivek had said he would be in a conference in Guatemala all week, and would
be off both phone and email. But Barbara had long lovey-dovey
conversations with two other men, one man named Steve and another named Keith. The
rest of us strained to hear every interesting word. "I miss you!" she said
to both. She also kept talking with us about Vivek, and about the places
they'd visited together. She had pictures to prove it, too. It was all very
confusing.

This was the best play I'd watched in a long time. It was even better
than the day my cousin ran away with a Telugu Christian girl. My aunt had
come howling through the door, though I noticed that she made it to the
plushest sofa before falling in a faint. Father said that if it had been his
child, the door would have been forever shut in his face. Aunt promptly
revived and said "You'll know when it is your child!" How my aunt would
rejoice if she knew of Barbara!

On day five of her visit, the family awoke to the awful sound of
Barbara's retching. The bathroom door was shut, the water was running, but far
louder was the sound of Barbara crying and throwing up at the same time.
Mother and grandmother exchanged ominous glances. Barbara came out and her
face was red. "I don't know why", she said, "I feel queasy in the mornings
now." If she had seen as many Indian movies as I'd seen, she'd know why.
Mother was standing as if turned to stone. Was she supposed to react with
the compassion reserved for pregnant women? With the criticism reserved
for pregnant unmarried women? With the fear reserved for pregnant
unmarried foreign women who could embroil one's son in a paternity suit?
Mother, who navigated familiar flows of married life with the skill of a champion
oarsman, now seemed completely taken off her moorings.
She seemed to hope that if she didn't react it might all disappear
like a bad dream. I made a mental note to not leave home at all for the next
week.Whatever my parents would say to Vivek when they finally got a-hold
of him would be too interesting to miss. But they never got a chance. The
day Barbara was to leave, we got a terse email from Vivek. "Sorry, still
stuck in Guatemala . Just wanted to mention, another friend of mine, Sameera
Sheikh, needs a place to stay. She'll fly in from Hyderabad tomorrow
at 10am . Sorry for the trouble."

So there we were, father and I, with a board saying "Sameera". At
last a pretty young woman in salwar-khameez saw the board, gave the smallest
of smiles, and walked quietly towards us. When she did 'Namaste' to
father, I thought I saw his eyes mist up. She took my hand in the friendliest
way and said "Hello, Vyjayanthi, I've heard so much about you." I fell in
love with her. In the car father was unusually friendly. She and Vivek had been
in the same group of friends in Ohio University. She now worked as a
Child Psychologist.

She didn't seem to be too bad at family psychology either. She took
out a shawl for grandmother, a saree for mother and Hyderabadi bangles for
me." Just some small things. I have to meet a professor at Madurai University
and it's so nice of you to let me stay" she said. Everyone cheered
up. Even grandmother smiled. At lunch she said "This is so nice. When I make sambar,
it comes out like chole, and my chole tastes just like sambar".
Mother was smiling. "Oh just watch for 2 days, you'll pick it up." Grandmother
had never allowed a muslim to enter the kitchen.
But mother seemed to have taken charge, and decided she would bring
in who ever she felt was worthy. Sameera circumspectly stayed out of the
puja room, but on the third day, was stunned to see father inviting her in
and telling her which idols had come to him from his father. "God is one"
he said. Sameera nodded sagely.

By the fifth day, I could see the thought forming in the family's
collective brains. If this fellow had to choose his own bride, why
couldn't it be someone like Sameera? On the sixth day, when Vivek called from
the airport saying he had cut short his Guatemala trip and was on his way
home, all had a million things to discuss with him.
He arrived by taxi at a time when Sameera had gone to the University.
"So, how was Barbara's visit?" he asked blithely. "How do you know
her?" mother asked sternly. "She's my secretary" he said. "She works very
hard, and she'll do anything to help."
He turned and winked at me.

Oh, I got the plot now! By the time Sameera returned home that
evening, it was almost as if her joining the family was the elders' idea. "Don't
worry about anything", they said, "we'll talk with your parents."
On the wedding day a huge bouquet arrived from Barbara.
It said......

"Flight to India - $1500.
Indian kurta - $15.
Emetic to throw up - $1.
The look on your parents' faces - priceless" J

Nice Idea isn’t it??????

Geek Weekend

Ram Shankar Yadav — Fri, 29 Jun 2007 09:18:41 GMT

Job Interview - the fastest thing!

Ram Shankar Yadav — Thu, 31 May 2007 09:18:18 GMT

This is a ripper!!!

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a

job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four

people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and

ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them

would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the

conference room table the interviewer asked:

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man

replied,"A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that

it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know

of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A ! COLOURED MAN).

"Hmm....let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that

it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!"

said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ... that's a very popular

cliche?

for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his

reply."Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the

wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across

the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING

ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was

very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

"It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (A INDIAN MAN), the interviewer

posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known

is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't

feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK,

BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already shat my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB................

Few funny definitions ...

Ram Shankar Yadav — Thu, 31 May 2007 06:53:08 GMT

School : A place where Papa pays and Son plays.

Life Insurance : A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.

Nurse : A person who wakes u up to give you sleeping pills.

Marriage : It's an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.

Divorce : Future tense of Marriage.

Tears : The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower.

Lecture : An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either"

Conference : The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise : The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Dictionary : A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room : A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Father : A banker provided by nature.

Criminal : A guy no different from the rest....except that he got caught.

Boss : Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.

Politician : One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.

Doctor : A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you by bills.

Classic : Books, which people praise, but do not read.

Smile : A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office : A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn : The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

Etc. : A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.

Committee : Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.

Experience : The name men give to their mistakes.

Atom Bomb : An invention to end all inventions.

Philosopher : A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.

I loved "Office" definition!

What's your definition share it!

Enjoy

Fastest Turtle

Ram Shankar Yadav — Fri, 25 May 2007 05:13:22 GMT

A guy comes walking into a bar with a little turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender asks the man, "What's wrong with your turtle?"

"Nothing", the man responds, "this turtle is very fast. Take your dog and let him stand at the end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you 5000 bucks that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy 5000, agrees. He goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall.

"Told you it'll be there before your dog."

Enjoy

Condoms and it's alternate usage!

Ram Shankar Yadav — Tue, 22 May 2007 17:50:49 GMT

Guys I found this article pretty interesting and sharing it with you guys, being a country of billion people(world's second most populous) country it's a matter of shame for the authorities if they don't act in time.

Finding original and unintended uses for condoms has spread throughout countries such as Thailand and India. A Thai model shows off condoms arranged in an orchid design.

Picture:AP

Most interesting part was the usage :

Indian military - for covering their gun and tank barrels as protection against dust.
Road-building contractors - mix condoms with concrete and tar and used the mixture to construct roads, rendering road surfaces smooth and resistant to cracks.
Weavers - use around 200,000 condoms a day to lubricate their looms and to polish the gold and silver thread used to embroider the saris.

"....India also has one of the world's largest number of HIV positive cases and distributing free condoms is one way the Government seeks to combat this multiplying menace...."

- Telegraph

Links:

India's condoms pop up in the strangest places: http://www.theage.com.au/articles/2004/08/13/1092340459567.html

Wake up guys before we explode!

use them wisely!

Kabir v/s Software Engineer

Ram Shankar Yadav — Mon, 21 May 2007 11:52:42 GMT

A ever best Kabir written poems in IT industry.

Kabir :
Aisi baani boliye, man ka aapa khoye
Auron ko sheetal kare, aaphi sheetal hoye

SE:
Aisa presentation dijiye, man ka aapa khoye,
Auron ko confuse kare, aaphi confuse hoye

Kabir :
Guru Govind doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihari guru aapke, govind diyo bataye

SE :
Client aur manager doyu khade, kaake laagu paye
Balihaari client aapke, manager diyo bataye.

Rahim :
Rahiman dhaaga prem ka, mat todo chatkaye
tode se fir jude na, jude gaanth pad jaaye

SE :
SE confidence manager, mat todo chatkaye
Project to barbaad hoye hi, appraisal mein waat lag jaye.

Kabir :
Dheere dheere re mana, dheere sab kuch hoye,
Maali seenche sow ghara, ritu aaye phal hoye

SE :
Dheere dheere re project leader, dheere project execute hoye,
client dikhaye kitni bhi urgency, release deadline ke baad hi hoye..

Kabir :
Jab Tun Aaya Jagat Mein , Log Hanse Tu Roye
Aise Karni Na Kari , Pache Hanse Sab Koye

SE :
Jab project aaye company mein, client hase hum roye,
Aisi karni na kari , tu hase client roye...

Kabir:
Dukh Mein Simran Sab Kare , Sukh Mein Kare Na Koye
Jo Sukh Mein Simran Kare , Tau Dukh Kahe Ko Hoye

SE:
Rush hour mein kaam sab karen , routine mein kare na koye,
jo routine mein sab kaam kare, to rush hour kaahe hoye.

Kabir :
Pothhi padh padh jag mooya, pandit bhaya na koye,
Dhai aakhar prem ka, padhe so pandit hoye

SE :
Coding kar ar jag mooya, programmer bhaya na koye,
Do shabd copy-paste ke, kare so programmer hoye.

Kabir :
Chalati chakki dekh ke, diya Kabira roye,
Do paatan ke beechmein, saabut bacha na koye

SE:
Client aur manager ko dekhke, engineers saare roye,
Deadline meet karne ke chakkar mein, saabut bacha na koye.

Kabir:
Chinta Aisee Dakini, Kat Kaleja Khaye
Vaid Bichara Kya Kare , Kahan Tak Dawa Lagaye

SE:
Deadline aisi dakini, man ka tension badhaaye,
kaam itna ho sar par, time pe complete kaise ho paaye.

Kabir:
Maala To Kar Mein Phire , Jeebh Phire Mukh Mahin
Manua To Chahun Dish Phire, Yeh To Simran Nahin

SE:
Engineer gaye sab cigarette peene, Leader phire office maahin,
Cubicle se jyaada time canteen pe rahe, yeh to dedication naahin

Kahat Kabir suno bhai saado.......

क्लिनिक की भीड (Crowd at clinic)

Ram Shankar Yadav — Mon, 21 May 2007 11:51:18 GMT

एक डॉक्टर के क्लिनिक के बाहर मरीजों की भीड लगी थी.

(There was a queue outside a doctor's clinic)

जब कोइ आदमी आगे जाता, उसे लोग पकड के पीछे खींच लेते.

(Whenever someone tries to bypass the queue people drag him behind)

एक आदमी कई बार आगे जाने की कोशिश किया पर उसे भी लोगों ने पीछे खींच लिया.

(One of them repeatedly tried to get forward but people repeatedly dragged him behind)

5-6 बार पीछे खींचे जाने के बाद वो आदमी चिल्लाया,

(After being dragged 5-6 times, man cries out...)

सालों...लगे रहो लाईन में.....मै भी आज क्लिनिक नहीं खोलुंगा

(assholes.... stay in queue, I'll not open the clinic)

He he he .......