Humor and Fun

Merry Christmas: Santa's Goin' To Kokomo

Mark Treadwell — Fri, 22 Dec 2006 13:27:00 GMT

Merry Christmas!

Mike Love's Santa's Goin' To Kokomo

International Units Trivia

Mark Treadwell — Sun, 28 May 2006 23:01:00 GMT

How many of the following 29 units have you never heard of before? The international system of units consists of a short list of base units defined in an absolute manner that does not refer to any other units. The base units are consistent with the part of the metric system called the MKS (meter-kilogram-second) system.

meter for distance
kilogram for mass
second for time
ampere for electric current
kelvin for temperature
mole for amount of substance
candela for intensity of light

Other international system units, called international system derived units, are defined algebraically in terms of these fundamental units. For example, the international system unit of force, the newton, is defined to be the force that accelerates a mass of one kilogram at the rate of one meter per second per second. This means the newton is equal to one kilogram meter per second squared, so the algebraic relationship is N = kg·m·s-2. Currently there are 22 international system derived units. They include:

radian and steradian for plane and solid angles, respectively
newton for force and the pascal for pressure
joule for energy and the watt for power
degree Celsius for everyday measurement of temperature
electricity: the coulomb (charge), volt (potential), farad (capacitance), ohm (resistance), and siemens (conductance)
magnetism: the weber (flux), tesla (flux density), and henry (inductance)
lumen for flux of light and the lux for illuminance
hertz for frequency of regular events and the becquerel for rates of radioactivity and other random events
gray and sievert for radiation dose
katal, a unit of catalytic activity used in biochemistry

Five of those were completely new for me: siemens, becquerel, gray, sievert, and katal. Did Tesla and Farad get together to design a flux capacitor? ;-)

Avoid 747s During Takeoff

Mark Treadwell — Sat, 31 Dec 2005 20:37:00 GMT

A unique perspective of what happens to a car when subjected to a Boeing 747 engine producing takeoff thrust. Do not try this at home.

Chinese Love and Rockets

Mark Treadwell — Sat, 19 Nov 2005 16:52:00 GMT

This hurts to watch.

1) Does the guy in the background know what is going on just feet away?

2) Does the broken hand impair his microphone tricks?

God Hates Shrimp

Mark Treadwell — Wed, 16 Nov 2005 12:12:00 GMT

Every once in a while, you come across a parody website that makes you smile. Do not forget to check out their banner graphics.

This Blog For Sale

Mark Treadwell — Mon, 31 Oct 2005 15:16:00 GMT

I come cheap! ;-)

I guess I need to get back to writing.

My blog is worth $3,951.78.
How much is your blog worth?

One week later, my blog is now worth $7,339.02. Yippie!

Microsoft Legalese

Mark Treadwell — Thu, 21 Jul 2005 23:06:00 GMT

I think one of the most lucrative jobs a lawyer could do would be to have Microsoft as a client.

Microsoft posted their annual and quarterly results today, and the computer press went gaga over the numbers. I do not knowingly invest in the company, but I saw something else interesting on their announcement web page. A large majority of the announcement was a list of caveats that essentially absolved Microsoft from any and all responsibility for events up to and including nuclear war.

I present for your reading pleasure a reformatted version of their excuses for "forward-looking statements." My explanations are interspersed throughout.

Statements in this release that are "forward-looking statements" are based on current expectations and assumptions that are subject to risks and uncertainties.
- They have no idea if anything they say will be accurate past today.

Actual results could differ materially because of factors such as:

entry into markets with vigorous competition,
- Someone may hand us our heads by being better and faster (but never more innovative!)

market acceptance of new products and services,
- We cannot be responsible for fielding a dog of a product even if it goes woof during the keynote demo

continued acceptance of existing products and services,
- Someone else may come up with something better, but, hey, we'll still innovate the pants off the competition, even while we're losing our shirt

changes in licensing programs,
- We'll keep trying to slide the changes by and see if anyone notices, and deal with the fallout later

product price discounts,
- We give the big guys deep discounts and gouge the little people -- no sales at Microsoft!

delays in product development and related product release schedules,
- No matter what we do, those pesky developers never seem to follow a single schedule from Marketing

sales channel disruption such as the bankruptcy of a major distributor,
- Those guys never seem schedule their bankruptcies with us in advance

and reliance on sole source suppliers for key components of that could result in component shortages and delays in product delivery,
- We'll buy them out as soon as we can do it without the Feds interrupting

any of which may cause revenues and income to fall short of anticipated levels;
- Don't hold any of that against us, but we'll add more excuses later when we either think of them or see a competitor get burned

an increase in business investment that isn’t accompanied by an offsetting increase in revenue;
- Some times we need to pour money into weak projects so we actually meet the ship date and not need some of the above excuses

obsolete inventory or product returns by distributors, resellers and retailers;
- Yea, we know some of our stuff is really bad, but we need some write-offs to balance things out

warranty and other claims on hardware products such as ;
- Such as what?

changes in the rate of PC shipments;
- Don't hold us to account if Dell, Gateway, HP, etc. cannot move enough product themselves

technological shifts;
- It's not our fault if we are out-innovated on products like the iPod

the support of third-party software developers for new or existing platforms;
- We have not Borg assimilated everyone quite yet, though we are still trying

the availability of competitive products or services such as the operating system at prices below our prices or for no charge;
- This is the Google and Linux CYA

the ability to have access to distribution channels for MSN that are controlled by third parties;
- We have not convinced governments to write guaranteed access clauses into their laws yet

the risk of unanticipated increased costs for network services;
- Not even we can control how much Akamai charges for their server farms

the continued ability to protect the company’s intellectual property rights;
- We have not sued everyone yet, but we have freed up some legal assets since we bought off IBM and Sun, so we'll get to the miscreants shortly

adverse effects on our business that might result if an unauthorized disclosure of a significant portion of our source code were to occur;
- This has happened already, and we were not ready for it, but we are now, so it can happen again (we hope it is for Microsoft Bob, though)

the ability to obtain on acceptable terms the right to incorporate in the company’s products and services technology patented by others;
- If the threats do not work, we ignore other people's patents by attempting a clean-room solution, make a quick billion or two, turn it into a no-profit commodity, break the other company, then handle the lawsuit for a couple of million -- a win-win for everyone

changes in product and service mix;
- We may need to dump stuff quick when we realize that we are screwing up, but we'll cover it with a few promotions and some reorganizations

maturing product life cycles;
- Some times even we cannot keep on flogging the old dogs

product sale terms and conditions;
- Our Sales Guys sometimes screw up, but we fire them and live with it

the risk that actual or perceived security vulnerabilities in our products could adversely affect our revenues;
- We trust the shrink-wrap license to deter people from actually suing us

implementation of operating cost structures that align with revenue growth;
- This is in the event our costs get out of control and revenue sucks

unavailability of insurance;
- Just in case the insurance industry gets a fit of vapors

uninsured losses;
- We cannot imagine such a scenario, but it could happen

adverse results in legal disputes resulting in liabilities that exceed existing reserves;
- This is really OK, since we have banked billions in previous years, and we have yet to lose a really, really big one (even the IBM pay-off was handled within yearly profits), so we put this one in there to deter pesky, nuisance lawsuits

unanticipated tax liabilities;
- Some podunk county or state may slip something by our censors

the effects of terrorist activity and armed conflict such as disruptions in general economic activity and changes in our operations and security arrangements;
- Redmond is naturally a primary terrorist target, but this should cover the Linux suicide bombers as well

the effects of a major earthquake, cyber-attack or other catastrophic event that results in the destruction or disruption of any of our critical business or information technology systems;
- This is the nuclear war disclaimer, but we include the Dick Clarke “Cyber Pearl Harbor“ clause in case we get nailed when we do not secure our own servers

the level of corporate information technology spending and changes in general economic conditions that affect demand for computer hardware or software;
- We really need to keep people addicted so they buy a computer before food

currency fluctuations; and
- We do not have quite the savvy of a Warren Buffett

financial market volatility or other changes affecting the value of our investments that may result in a reduction in carrying value and recognition of losses including impairment charges.
- We do not control the NYSE and NASDAQ yet, so we have to acknowledge that someone may call us on our debt financing

There you have it. The colored text is actually a single sentence of 410 words, 10 commas, 26 semi-colons, one colon, and for which Microsoft Word offers simple advice: Long Sentence (consider revising).

Office Survival: What They Say Versus What They Mean

Mark Treadwell — Sun, 17 Jul 2005 23:03:00 GMT

There are many situations where the following translations apply. I am sure you can think of a few.

Statement: A careful analysis and review are underway at this time.
Meaning: We haven’t looked at this yet.

Statement: This is an interim reply to assure you we are working diligently on the problem.
Meaning: The new guy gets this project, but he doesn’t start until next week.

Statement: Unfortunately, your request to attend could not be approved.
Meaning: We’re going and there’s no room or funding to take you.

Statement: Thank you for your interest in our program.
Meaning: Thanks for generating a lot more work for us. We’ll remember you fondly forever.

Statement: Congratulations, your nomination has been approved.
Meaning: So you’re the one they found at the last minute.

Statement: The attached summary gives a list of last year’s/quarter’s progress.
Meaning: This is all the good news we could come up with.

Statement: Thank you for your invitation. Unfortunately, I cannot attend due to other commitments.
Meaning: I wouldn’t attend if you sent me first class.

Statement: On behalf of my Boss, I’m responding to your inquiry dated ____.
Meaning: He couldn’t care less, so I’m answering to get you off our backs.

Statement: We have known for some time...
Meaning: Surely someone has known. We just have to find him/her.

Statement: A definite trend is developing.
Meaning: This information is meaningless, but we are charting it until the Boss loses interest.

Statement: This is of significant theoretical and practical value.
Meaning: Personally, I like it, but the Boss hasn’t seen it yet.

Statement: While definite answers are not available at this time...
Meaning: We are scrambling to find some kind of answer and this buys us some time.

Statement: Some examples are provided.
Meaning: These are the only ones we could find.

Statement: The meeting will be of great importance.
Meaning: The meeting is of no real importance, but some of the attendees need the exposure.

Statement: Here are the results of the new program.
Meaning: These are the only ones we had nerve enough to show.

Statement: A complete summary will be provided upon completion of the review.
Meaning: We’ll send something when we get the time.

Statement: It is generally accepted that...
Meaning: As far as I am concerned.

Statement: Due to the complexity of the issue and the anticipated impact of this action, additional time is required to render a comprehensive response.
Meaning: There is no way I’ll ever understand this project, so I’m scrambling to find someone who does.

Statement: Your ideas are basically sound.
Meaning: This guy isn’t even close.

Hurricane Preparations: Surviving Pontificating Weathermen

Mark Treadwell — Tue, 05 Jul 2005 11:30:00 GMT

I had a great post ready yesterday until the blog ate it. Silly me did not copy to clipboard prior to hitting the Post button. Sigh. That I will be able to survive. What may kill us all will be the meteorologists.

Two storms are brewing -- TS Cindy and soon to be TS Dennis. Let the hyperventilating begin!

Each burst of thunderstorms since June 1 has been cause for alarm. Each Special Tropical Disturbance Statement has been thoroughly chewed over. Each satellite loop played endlessly over and over and over and over... The May rainfall amounts over Florida have been analyzed again and again.

TS Cindy will probably end up being a rain event for the gulf coast. TD Four (soon to be Dennis) will let them gas on ad nauseum for days. The cyclone is predicted to be over Cuba Friday morning (8 July), so all those Weatherdudes with their cool TV sets just for them will have days to transform the National Hurricane Center's cone of uncertainty (their storm track guesstimate) into a Cone of Certain Death.

The important issue for Florida is the June rainfall. Central Florida had the second rainiest June in history. (That is for all those people who live at Orlando International Airport.) The ground is saturated and all the retention ponds are full. The real threat for most of Florida will be flooding.

Here are some rules of thumb to remember as we start the Summer of the Storm:

Weatherdudes and reporters are only interested in the worst damage and personal Tragedy.
Only the Absolute Highest Wind Numbers are cited by Weatherdudes.
Weatherdudes rarely mention the size of a storm except when they are talking about Power (a nebulous term that they are allowed to define themselves on the fly).
Weatherdudes rarely mention that those Absolute Highest Wind Numbers are only applicable to a relatively tiny portion of the coast on the right side of the storm's eye as it moves ashore.
Reporters try to find the Absolute Highest Wind Numbers, dressed in the spiffiest possible rain gear, and then tell you not to stand out in the dangerous winds like they are.
Noise cancelling microphones cannot cancel out hurricane winds.
The cute furry socks reporters slip over their directional microphones to cut ambient noise just do not work and never seem to look good when drenched with salt spray and covered with muck.
Reporters getting beach sand in their face is better TV than broadcasting from the second floor of a Holiday Inn.
Reporters instantly become Trained Professionals when standing in hurricane winds.
Handheld anemometers make you look more like a Trained Professional.
No training is required to be a meteorologist or a Trained Professional when a hurricane exists.
Having a mobile weather station on the top of their logoed SUV lets the reporters look more like Trained Professionals and lets them one-up the competition.
Reporters have an inherent right to drive on closed streets and do the stupid stuff that common folk can only wish they could do too, but would never risk damage to their vehicle.
Storms are not sentient, although Weatherdudes and reporters will make them seem so.
Reporters will look for old neighborhoods, manufactured housing and trailer parks to find certain Tragedy. If they can match them up with the Absolute Highest Wind Numbers, even better.
Highlighting any perceived failure in emergency response is key to enhancing the Tragedy.
The standard notice from emergency responders that they will not attempt rescues during the height of the storm does not apply to reporters, since they always deserve to be rescued if in immenent danger.
Reporters will find someone who's double-wide was just trashed and ask them for their personal thoughts on the Tragedy.

Let's hope we survive the news media, let alone the storms.

The Snake Model

Mark Treadwell — Tue, 14 Jun 2005 19:21:00 GMT

I came across an old email that forwarded The Differential Theory of the US Armed Forces, commonly referred to as The Snake Model. I have personal experience with the first 12 or so examples, and find they tend to support the personalities described with the exception of the Marines.

Overall, I thought that this was quite appropriate once you get to know them, although some content could be viewed as rude. So for those who may, from time to time, have difficulty sorting out service operational differences, here's a quick-read, field definition set using the "Snake Model".

Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.
Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.
Armor: Drives over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.
Aviation: Has 12-digit grid coordinates of snake from GPS. FAC (Forward Air Controller) gives steer to target. Can't find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.
Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.
Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred adjacent snakes as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all participants (including cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.
Army Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous claim for travel pay settlement upon return.
Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using counter mobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don't understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake operations.
Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill myriad extremist snakes.
Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from various types of ships, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force power projection.
Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from AO.
Marine Force Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.
Combat (Air Traffic) Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.
Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake's life.
Supply: (NOTICE - Your anti-snake equipment is backordered.)
Transport Pilot: Air-drops expired snakebite kits two grid squares away on roof of children's hospital.
F-14 Pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mi-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Plane captain paints snake kill on aircraft fuselage.
F-16 Pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs, misses snake target, demolishes embassy 4 km east of snake due to weather. Cites inclement weather (Too Hot, Too Cold, Clear but overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover, etc.) Suggests procurement of million-dollar, air-to-ground anti-snake bomb.
AH-64 Apache Pilot: Unable to locate snake since cold-blooded snakes don't show well on infrared. Infrared only operable in desert AOs without power lines or SAMs.
UH-60 Blackhawk Pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS-17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.
B-52 Pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.
ICBM Missile Crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can't receive authorization from National Command Authority to use weapons.
Intelligence Officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently active. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.
Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.