Here's a project for those of you who
dislike functionality love iPods, but are cursed with PocketPC ownership. You can convert your Pocket PC into an iPod in just a few simple steps. I am going to walk you through it.
Convenience, mobility, and function. Nice, but unnecessary. You know, there are times when you just don't need bluetooth. There are times when you don't need wifi. There are times when you don't need a phone. After all, these features are really just the lazy-mans alternative to the old fashioned way of getting up off your ass and plugging in a cord. We've become spoiled by technology. There's a quick solution for this. Follow the steps below to easily free your Pocket PC of these flamboyant features.
(B) Large-tip permanent marker, black
(C) 1 Steel-toed boot
(D) Lighter fluid
(E) 1 match
(F) Fire extinguisher
(G) 1 can spray paint, white
(H) 1 Pocket PC, with any or all of the following features
- Bluetooth and wifi support
- Windows, with all kinds of great software apps like Excel, Word, Outlook, IE, games, calendar, voice recorder, calc, etc.
- Its a phone too! One less device to carry in my pocket.
- 3.5 inch touchscreen
- slide-out QWERTY keyboard, or I can use the stylus and the software keyboard or letter recognition software.
- Built-in mic, useful for recording quick notes.
- The ability to run my own home-developed software apps
- Oh, and I forgot one good piece of software: Windows Media Player
- Compact Flash and Secure Digital card support
Step 1: Remove bluetooth, wifi, and phone capabilities
With the hammer (A), bang off that little antenna at the top of the device. Note: use a full strength blow, to assure that you do not simply cripple your wifi connection. The goal here is to completely destroy it so that you have no connectivity to other devices whatsoever.
Step 2: Remove user interface hardware
I don't know who's idea it was to add a QWERTY keyboard to a mobile computing device, but I'm assuming they have long since been fired. Who would possibly think up such a thing? Now, in a perfect world I could remove all the user interface options other than one button - but for now just remove this keyboard. Slide out the keyboard. Set the device on the edge of a table so that the keyboard hangs off the table. Similarly to step 1, swing hammer (A) at the keyboard. Note: again, be sure to use a full strength blow, so that the entire keyboard is removed and not just some of the keys. What we're looking for here is the complete inability to communicate with the device through keyboard input.
Step 3: Remove audio input capabilities
Warning: If applicable, please have a parent or guardian present during this step.
Set the Pocket PC onto a non-flammable surface such that the built-in microphone faces up. With a fire extinguisher near, carefully place a few drops of lighter fluid (D) onto the microphone. Immediately light 1 match (E), and light the microphone on fire. Let this sit for approximately 15 seconds, and then cover the flame until it is extinguished.
Step 4: Remove extraneous software
Before performing this step, please let your Pocket PC sit for approximately 1 hour to allow any lighter fluid left over from step 3 to evaporate. Then carefully power on the device. If your device still works, and there are no puffs of smoke or sparks coming from it, go ahead and delete all the unnecessary applications from your device. Anything that doesn't play music falls in this category. Examples of things to delete:
Instant messaging software
Step 5: Make screen a smaller size
The key here is to eliminate unnecessary screen space. Now that all software except the media player has been deleted, we really only need that tiny part of the screen that allows you to start and stop the music. With black permanent marker (B), carefully mark over the top 2 or more inches of the screen, leaving only the bottom part of the screen visible.
At the end of this step, I realize you will still have touch-screen capabilities. Sorry, life is tough and we must all roll with the punches. You can remove this feature using a procedure similar to that used in step 3, however this is an advanced technique and should only be attempted by a qualified technician. If you attempt to do this yourself, you may want to check with the manufacturer first because your warranty will probably be voided.
Step 6: Remove extensibility and customization features
Advanced users may wish to research the movie Office Space prior to attempting this step.
Almost complete, however our device still has the ability to be updated by its owner. For example, if I want to develop a new piece of software using the .Net compact framework and Visual Studio 2005, I can deploy that to my device to improve my own efficiency using the device (this is bad, bad, bad). Setting the device aside, this step will have to do with your desktop computer instead. First remove all cords coming into and out of the computer. Then pick up the computer, put it in the back seat of your car and drive to a local soccer field with a few friends. Remove the computer and set it on the ground at the center of the field. Using the steel-toed boot (C), take turns kicking, throwing, and generally beating the crap out of your computer. After all, you don't need it after you have your iPod clone.
Step 7: Finishing Touch
Using the spraypaint (G), paint everything except for the screen (including any headphone sets that can be used with the Pocket PC)
Congratulations! If you followed these steps correctly, your Pocket PC device should now function like an actual iPod!
Smartphone users, stay tuned for steps to turn your Smartphone into an old fashioned rotary dial housephone, complete with long twirly cords that bind you to the walls of your home. After all, there is no place like home.