Before I get into what happened I want to give a little background.
I used to be tormented as a child. Growing up I was called all sorts of names and picked on which led to some serious issues during my teenage years. I used to cry myself to sleep some nights because I thought the world was an awful place. At 13 thoughts of suicide were pretty common, but luckily my imagination was pretty intense then. I could run scenarios in my head and play them out. One scenario that haunts me even now is how my family would take it if I killed myself. Say I shot myself. Someone would have to discover this. My mother would be devestated and my father would probably break down. I could see the effects it would have on them before I ever did anything. That is precisely what stopped me every single time and believe me when I say it was common for those thoughts back then.
Before I was a born again Christian, crying to me was a sign of weakness. It also invoked pain and utter frustration. This feeling I had when I cried was almost addicting. It was as if I was addicted to the pain I felt and when I would cry, nothing would go away.
I can truly say my life is different now. Now when I cry, it's a huge release. It's as if the weight of the world is lifted off of my shoulders and I can breathe. It's like waking up from a coma (not that I'd know, but what I imagine) or being awakened to some new experience you've never felt before. Crying now is completely different than crying when I was a teen or even recently before I was changed.
Now onto the meaning of this post.
When I listen to songs, whether they're Christian artists or not, I personalize them. I can take secular music and rearrange it so that instead of me singing to a woman, I'm singing to God. I do this for most of the love songs minus the ones that talk about removal of clothes, sex, etc because I have no intentions of having sex with God. Some songs I reverse and I sing them as if God were speaking the words to me directly, which happened in this case.
I was listening to John Mayer's Heavier Things album in the car while I was waiting for my girlfriend to get to the place we decided to meet at. The song I was on is itself pretty moving but for some reason the lyrics hit me differently this time I heard it. It's called Split Screen Sadness.
Maybe I'll sleep inside my coat and
Wait on the porch 'till you come back home
Oh, right
I can't find a flight
The lyrics are basically written about a guy and a girl having problems. The guy is waiting up for word from his woman, who apparently just stormed out and left him no indication of where she would be going, or if she'd return. I know taken at face value it doesn't seem like a Christian message, but it became one.
Lately I've been feeling a lot like the prodigal son. I'm eating with the swine now, living my life the way I want. Luke 15:11-32 explains the parable for those that don't know it. It doesn't mention if the father looked outside every day, eagerly waiting his son's return but one could almost imagine that, especially given the type of people the Jewish people were and still are.
When I heard the lyrics above, God was saying that He too sleeps on the porch of the house until I return. He's the type of parent that would wait up, however long it took, until His children returned home safely.
I started bawling uncontrollably. This in a parking lot, with my car still running, A/C on, listening to the words. People did walk to their car and probably noticed me shaking but I didn't really care.
It's hard to be away from the Father's house. This is not the type of life He, or I, would rather I live. It's something I do have to go through, but it's almost worthless. I could survive off of God's table scraps, but He's given me so much more. He's not content with me dining with the servants, but when I return I dine as His son. All my tears are wiped away, all the pain, all the frustration, and He gives me back everything I had as if I was only gone for a split second. I just wish I wouldn't spit in his face by leaving in the first place, but He does understand. I know no greater love than this.
I'm crying again so I should go. I stop for a second to try to make this thing post, but every time I come back to these words I can't see, they affect me that much.
I love you Daddy