Blogus Maximus

Rubbing people the wrong way since 1970...

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I hate spiders. Big ones, small ones. It doesn't matter. I abso-F'n-lutely hate them. It's mutual. They hate me too.

Seriously... between us, I'd pretty much cross the street to avoid the nasty things. So of course, anytime I get surprised by one (a REAL one thank you. The fake ones don't bother me) I tend to ummm... freak the hell out.

This is going somewhere, I promise...

So anyway. I may have mentioned before that I live on a mountain (near the top) and drive up & down a seriously twisty-ass road all the time. Our mountain also has lots of trees. with. spiders. in. them. uggh.

Sometimes they get in my jeep. Sometimes I don't see them until I'm driving down the aforementioned twisty-ass road at night and they decide to take an 8 legged stroll across my windshield and then disappear.

Sometimes I freak the hell out. (I mentioned that already, but it bears repeating.)

I'm the sort of guy who assumes every spider is either a black widow or a brown recluse. (Mostly the latter, since the former is easier to identify.) Brown Recluses scare the crap out of me, because I knew this guy that knew this other guy who got bit by one and it totally messed him up. My brother likes to aggravate the situation by forwarding me emails about BR (as I like to call them) infestations in peoples houses.

The last time he did this, I slept on the living room couch with all the lights on, for about 3-4 weeks. Apparently in my world, that means I'm safe. Shut up.

Anyway... back to the story. So I'm driving my jeep down the mountain (at night) when this friggin HUGE (about the size of a quarter) spider goes walking along my windshield. At first I think he's outside... windshield wipers on... hmm nope he's inside. That's bad. Oh shit. Oh shit oh shit oh shit. Watching him as he disappears along the edge of the windshield... OH CRAP where the hell is he. Interior lights on... oh crap its dark outside I cant see shit... ok interior lights back off. WHERE THE F!!! is that spider? Oh god, come on... why does this trip take so long... nowhere to pull over. damn damn damn... ok ok... no big deal... he's just a plain ol spider... a big ass plain ol spider, sure... but nothing to worry about WHERE THE FRACK IS IT?!?! ok.. I'm down the mountain... well lit area again. inside light on... CRAP what the hell just brushed my neck.... looking inthe rearview mirror at the ceiling and my head... no spider. ok this is ok.

...a few minutes later...

I'm at the shop. all windows are down... its cold as hell outside. gonna be here for HOURS.... maybe he'll freeze to death.. yeah. Maybe I'll just drive the van for a few days. Leave the jeep. no biggie.

No biggie.

posted on Monday, October 30, 2006 4:05 PM


# re: sharing too much, again... 10/30/2006 4:41 PM D'Arcy from Winnipeg
OMG, are you serious?! I can't believe that you allow your own fears and biases to fuel your own racial hatred!

NOW it all makes I understand why you, Chris Williams, YOU are NO FRIEND of the DROW! It's all about the spiders! THat's why you downplay their race! It's because they worship the thing you hate! Well I've found out, and let me tell you, you're in big trouble mister! I'm going to go into my happy place where I talk to Drow all the time and tell them to go on a quest to the top of Spider-Bane mountain in the kingdom of South Carolina and slay the evil Baron who purposefully kills spiders!

What? Oh...sorry...gotta go...time for my meds...


# re: sharing too much, again... 10/30/2006 4:45 PM Chris Williams
oh I don't hate the drow. They're just lame. I do hate spiders though... and bugs. Not a big fan of bugs... or outdoors. Not crazy about that either, come to think of it.

# re: sharing too much, again... 10/30/2006 4:46 PM George

That comment there D'Arcy makes me forgive you for all of the crap you've been writing lately....

I mean come on, Raphael?

# re: sharing too much, again... 10/30/2006 7:04 PM Tobin
Perhaps one day I'll have to share with you the story of my house in Charlotte. When I moved back there from Greenville, I returned to an empty house full of black Widows. I have pictures to prove it :)

# re: sharing too much, again... 10/30/2006 7:25 PM D'Arcy from Winnipeg
Woah woah woah...there are Black Widows in Charlotte?! In North Carolina...there are Black Widows? That far north?

Wow...this is going to lead to an entirely new blog posting...

And dammit George, I can't believe that you labelled Raph as the one that "Leo always had to save". What about the tool of the group, Michaelangelo?!?! He was SO POINTLESS (except for comic relief)., get a weapon...


# re: sharing too much, again... 10/31/2006 7:01 AM Theo Moore
whoah, dude...I knew you had spider issues, but I had no idea how badly you have spider issues.....

Therapy, man, therapy......

Now, my freakout-ness over snakes, that is totally understandable.....'specially being raised in Florida....

# re: sharing too much, again... 11/1/2006 12:21 PM Keith Smith
Thats some funny sh!t man. :)

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