Geeks With Blogs
Caffeinated Coder A Grande, Triple Shot, Non-Fat Core Dump by Russell Ball

I just caught up on my Fake Steve Jobs reading and I am now convinced that Microsoft's approach to the blogger problem completely lacks imagination and style. When faced with the likes of Scott Hanselman, Phil Haack, and Rob Conery, Microsoft takes the sissy approach of hiring them and keeping them so busy on cool projects that they use up most of their blogging wiggles and focus their remaining writing energy on sharing about the projects they are feverishly working on.

By contrast, it appears that Apple prefers to neutralize bloggers through the more direct and manly approach of bribery and intimidation. According to Fake Steve Job's latest post, Apple just pulled the legal equivalent of sending him a fish by listing all his assets (including his kid's college trust funds) in a legal correspondence while urging him to consider the potential serious consequences that his blogging activities could have on himself and his family. When that didn't work, they apparently offered him a half of a million dollars to just shut up and stop writing about them.

If that is true, then all I can say is this. Well played Mr. Jobs.

The idea of paying someone to shut up is pure genius and I officially predict that this trend will spread like wildfire in the coming year and be applied to all sorts of personal and business scenarios. I know I would have gladly paid several people to just stop talking this last year. In fact, I can think of a few instances where I would have taken a second mortgage on my house in order to silence my former HR director during a few rather lengthy company meetings.

That brings me to my new business plan. I've officially given up on ad revenue for my blog and stopped waiting for the marquee job offer from Microsoft. Instead, I've decided to start courting Apple hush money by trying to effectively harness the power of my obnoxious blogging tendencies.

The next part is addressed to RSJ (Real Steve Jobs) and his mafia-wanna-be legal entourage:

Dear Mr. Jobs,

I've been following your recent public relations strategies and I would like to officially apply for some hush money.

To prove that I am serious in my request, I will give you a taste of some of my crazy blogger antics and conclusively demonstrate the grave threat that I pose to your company. Here is a sample of what you have to look forward to unless a very large suitcase full of hush money finds itself on my doorstep soon.

My super-secret apple sources inform me RSJ is really an alpha douche bag of epic proportions. I'm not talking about one of those fancy French, sweet-smelling contraptions that pleasantly tickle your insides with an easy and refreshing flow. I mean that he is like the cheap, defective, puss-filled and bacteria-laden, communal douche bags that get hooked up to fire hydrants and violate your insides with 500 lbs of brutal, prison-sex force. You be the judge. Can you tell the difference?


I ask you Mr. a measly half million bucks really too much to ask for in return for sparing you the aggravation that a constant barrage of these kinds of insightful criticisms would cause? Think about it.

Yours Truly,

Caffeinated Coder

On the off-chance that my new business model backfires, I would like Apple's legal goons to note the following as they compile a list of my assets for their threatening letter. Unlike FSJ, I haven't gotten around to setting up a college fund for the kids yet and the only boats I have are currently floating in my bathtub. Also, my most valuable asset consists of a rather extensive porn collection. Unfortunately, the individual items within said collection are well worn so you will no longer be able to go by the mint condition price when determining their value.

I certainly hope that FSJ isn't pulling our legs with this story. Life isn't nearly as much fun when sane people are in charge.

*UPDATE* - It appears that FSJ was really funnin' with us after all. Well played FSJ. As far as RSJ is concerned, my offer still stands for the hush money. It won't be long before people are standing in line to pay me to shut up. You'll get a better deal if you start negotiating now.

Posted on Monday, December 24, 2007 2:04 AM Musings, Rants, and Humor | Back to top

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