The problem which has been the bane of my existence for weeks is finally solved. I created this blog to track my answer, which is http://geekswithblogs.net/HammerTips/articles/116261.aspx. Turns out that just because you can generate nice long SQL instance names doesn't mean that you should. I've been banging my head against this wall for weeks. Hope it helps someone somewhere. If it helps you, please say so!
-Tom