Game Movie Review: Postal

Matt Christian — Fri, 01 May 2009 07:43:49 GMT

Postal was revered in many countries because of it’s inherent ability to tick off people by going over the line with overly inappropriate ‘jokes’. Of course, our good friend Mr. Uwe Boll thought it a good idea to make a movie based on a game where random killing is built-in.

Oddly though, the movie isn’t half bad. The movie actually is a relatively good representation of what the game is. Essentially the main character (known only as ‘The Postal Dude’) gets so annoyed with the little things of everyday life always dumping on him that he begins to take the law into his own hands and get rid of whoever and whatever stands in his way. Generally throughout the movie Postal Dude (portrayed by Zack Ward) has his reasons for ‘going postal’ which is something Boll got right, if the movie was Ward running around killing for no reason it would get old really fast. Sometimes this happens where some little thing provokes overly gratuitous violence and is an extreme turn off (I’m looking at you scene with the cop and Chinese woman).

The story of the movie follows numerous groups of people trying to get their hands on the rare Krotchy Dolls, a cartoon-based doll shaped like a male private area. Postal Dude’s uncle, Uncle Dave (Dave Foley), and his religious cult are in trouble with the IRS and plan to steal the dolls, sell them on the internet, and make a profit. Meanwhile, Al-Qaeda have fitted the dolls with the Avian flu virus and plan to release the chemical on the US population. Dave Foley is funny as the hypocrite Uncle Dave, but ultimately ineffective as some scenes find him almost in a drug-induced daze of confusion while others find him as that ‘always there’ uncle. He’s playing two ends of a very broad spectrum. As a side character he doesn’t stand up to the great Larry Thomas as Osama Bin Laden. Now, I typically cannot stand actors poorly portraying real-life people but this rendition of Osama almost always hits the funny bone. Calling George W. Bush up on the phone isn’t very funny, but whining and calling him ‘Georgie’ is hilarious. He really blew the expectation for that character out of the water.

Another thing the movie really hits well is the idea of these different extremist groups littered throughout Paradise (the city the movie takes place in). There are loads of different groups (terrorist cells, religious fanatics, unruly mob) and all are portrayed over-the-top in the style the game would (and has) portrayed them. Once you see the involvement of these groups and have played the games you really see Boll’s understanding of that aspect of the game.

Unfortunately not all is funny and good (it IS a Boll movie). Some portions, as alluded to above, are completely unnecessary and try to pull off what I call Boll Humor. For example, Verne Troyer plays himself and by some twist of fate it’s written that in order for the impending apocalypse to happen, he must be raped by 1000 monkeys. And so, he’s thrown into a large cavern that just happens to hold such a number of primates. The joke is ineffective and in poor taste. Another of these jokes is the section where Boll himself (playing himself) talks to the crowd saying his movies are funded by Nazi gold. Soon after the creator of the Postal games appears and tackles him. Ineffective. Not to mention the shootout scene soon after where the only victims are small children (INEFFECTIVE).

Really, Postal is a mediocre movie, but definitely Boll’s best game to film work to date. The casting and direction is not bad, but the writing and Boll Humor drag it down. If those cheesy, unfunny, and unnecessary portions were taken out I think the movie would eventually be much more solid and well rounded. Worth a rental or a watch on TV.

Review the Classics: Double Dare (NES)

Matt Christian — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 04:15:44 GMT

When I was younger I remember times of cartoons like David the Gnome, Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers, and DuckTales. Between my animated excursions I was forced to watch something I didn’t fully understand, that show was Double Dare. The smiles of the audience and the greedy little children having ‘fun’ by answering questions and forcing their bodies through simple games that almost didn’t make sense. I am now 23 and I understand the joy of laughing at said contestants. But wait, I have just played through the 1990, NES classic Double Dare and have found myself a contestant in one of the worst games imaginable.

The game is, at it’s core, a simple question and answer trivia game with mini-game additions. You start the game by choosing 1 or 2 players and naming your team(s). The horror starts with a mini-game designed to determine who gets the first question and an initial $10. Apparently, a random coin toss wasn’t cool enough for Nickelodeon, they picked who went first based on the physical condition of the contestants of a TRIVIA show.

The mini-games I played (approximately 4-6 games) all seemed to require the player to press a button at a certain time in order to throw some object. There’s a bar at the bottom of the screen, the position the first button is pressed determines the speed of the object (the left side of the bar) while the second press determines the angle the object is thrown (the right side of the bar). Biggest issue here is that, unless you’ve played this game A LOT and know the mini-game, the mini-game is very much a trial-and-error session until you land a ‘hit’ and repeatedly copy what you just did.

Hmmm, I wasn’t aware clowns were such fans of eggs.

As mentioned earlier, after the mini-game the winner gets a starting $10 and control of answering the questions. Here begins the trivia portion of the game and where you’ll spend most of your time unless neither team wants to answer questions and continue to bring on the Physical Challenges (more on this in a bit). The trivia portion goes between a small cutscene with the announcer describing whose turn it is, the amount the question is worth, and if you got the question correct or incorrect.

Marc Summers, how you’ve changed!

Once a question is asked the answering team (we’ll assume the Creeps team is answering) is shown a screen with the question, a timer, and 4 possible selections. Three of the selections are answers to the question (one of them being the correct answer) while the final choice starts as Dare! Selecting Dare passes the question to the other team to answer and doubles the money value. If the other team can’t answer they can select a new option, Double Dare, and pass the question back to your team and doubles the money amount the question is worth once more. If you still have no idea you can select Physical Challenge to try to win by doing another mini-game.

DARE, to keep kids off measurements.

The game has 2 rounds, the first round making the initial question worth $10 and the second round having $20 questions (with a Double Dare the questions in the second round could get up to $80). Unfortunately I’m playing a game made in 1990 in 2009 so some of the questions falter simply on my age and knowledge of 80’s stars. One question I had to answer was the following: Which actress had twins in 198_? (I don’t remember the year). Most questions are general enough though that most people can probably solve them, focusing on things like odd phobias, definitions, and information about the human body.

While the trivia portion of the game isn’t horrible, the mini-games (not including the bonus final obstacle course) are largely trial and error and it makes playing them annoying. While you are given time to error in the easier settings (there are 3 difficulties, 1 being the easiest and 3 being the hardest), playing on difficulty 3 the computer will be able to make each and every shot, leaving you no time to sit and think.

Take that Viper team.

Double Dare is an O.K. trivia game and would probably be pretty solid if it wasn’t trying to emulate the original shows ‘stunts’. If you can get by those parts and want to test your knowledge it may be worth finding and playing for a small bit on a Sunday afternoon (like me!). But after a few games (which will only take you, maybe an hour or two) you’ll be begging for a fuller experience.

Reviews

Game Movie Review: Postal

Review the Classics: Double Dare (NES)